


the house in the woods

by mmattels



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Catra (She-Ra) Leaves the Horde, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Depression, F/F, Hurt Adora (She-Ra), Lesbian Adora (She-Ra), Lesbian Catra (She-Ra), My First Fanfic, POV Adora (She-Ra), POV Catra (She-Ra), Princess Adora (She-Ra), catra is depressed and dissociating, cottagecore catra, i'll add tags as i go, most characters are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28754646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmattels/pseuds/mmattels
Summary: Catra has found a safe space for herself. A house in the woods, quiet and unoccupied. A place where she feels warmth, comfort, relief. A place she can call her own, until she finds her enemy - and ex bestfriend- standing in the living room.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 65
Kudos: 269





	1. catra

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first catradora fic and generally first fic I've written in a long time. Hope you enjoy it!! Lmk your feedback if you have any! :)
> 
> I started a Pinterest board for this story. Visualizing spaces and characters always helps me write and enjoy stories even more, so here it is: https://pin.it/3Ac9ng4 (I recommend not peeking through the other chapters sections to avoid spoilers!)
> 
> cw// mentions of child abuse, depiction of depression, depiction of panic and physical symptoms of panic attacks.

Catra had found the cottage the day Adora first saw the Sword of Protection. 

Falling from the skiff, they had landed some distance apart. It took her a while to come across Adora again, a rather difficult task when the trees around her would lead her back to wherever she had first started. 

During that incessant walk, she had found the cottage. 

It wasn’t too old, but it had been left uninhabited for some time. Vines had been growing on the outside walls, so thick it proved difficult to spot the original colour of the exterior painting.   
Catra didn’t venture inside the house that day, she had simply stood on the wooden patio, peering through the only visible front window. The weak rays of sunshine that sneaked through the branches of the woods had illuminated a sitting room, a structure on the right wall that Catra would later found to be a hearth. 

She had entered the house the day after Adora had defected. To cry, to scream, to let out every single emotion that was pulling at her chest and made it hard to breathe. In the silence that the woods gifted her, she could find herself vulnerable. There was no one around to hear her weaknesses howling out of her lungs. 

She had managed to light a fire, sitting on the floor in front of the warming hearth. Grieving had left her heart empty, and her eyes red. She stared into the flickering flame so long she could feel it heating up her insides. Or perhaps, it was just anger. She had never been good at emotions. 

Adora had left. Defected. Joined the Rebellion. 

The rebellion they had been training to fight their whole lives. The rebellion they had dreamt of defeating together, hand in hand, as rulers of the Fright Zone. 

Adora didn't want that anymore. She didn’t want Catra anymore. 

Adora had left her. 

She’d gone and become a stupid princess. Saving and protecting a town that she had been instructed to destroy just the day before. 

She had left Catra and found new friends to rely on. After all, Adora couldn’t live without a sidekick. That’s what Catra had always been to her, Shadow Weaver had made it quite clear. Adora was the most important, the most precious. She was destined to become a Force Captain and was appointed the title as soon as she became of age. 

Not that it lasted very long. 

Catra had been by Adora’s side throughout her life. Sleeping at the foot of her bed. Sparring together since they’d been old enough to hold a staff. From what they had been told, Adora had even named her. 

Most times, Catra didn’t mind. She admired Adora. She was proud of her. She knew that Adora was held at a higher level than the rest of them, in everything they’d ever done. So Catra stayed quiet, accepting second place with her head up, trying not to let tears fall down her face. 

What made Catra resent the other girl were the punishments. The screams of Shadow Weaver whenever she had done something wrong. Her electric magic painfully inflicted on her skin. 

Being attached at the hips, the duo was often caught breaking rules together. The routine started to set in at a young age. Shadow Weaver would find them, take Adora alone in her chamber. After some time, she would come out, eyes fixed on the ground. Then it would be Catra’s turn to being administered whatever punishment the sorcerer saw fit. 

Catra’s scars were visible. Mostly covering her arms, a couple of smaller ones on her neck. A warning for everyone else to see, this is what happens when you break the rules. 

Adora never had any scars, though. 

The sick part of Catra’s brain would try to convince her that Adora was simply working with Shadow Weaver to decide how hurt Catra should be, or if she was going to bed without dinner or not. 

Then Adora would save her own ration bars for Catra, and the voices inside her head would quiet down. The blond girl would mend her wounds as best as she could and talk her down when she was upset. 

And then Adora had left. 

She would have to mend her own wounds from now on. 

Catra found herself going back to the house in the woods more than she’d ever expected. Whenever she needed a place to think, to sulk, or simply to be in silence for a while, she had found herself walking through the woods. 

The trees wouldn’t hide the way anymore. Whatever direction she took, they would clear the path all the way through the property. As much as the magic of the woods freaked her out, the welcoming warmth of the house would always soothe her nerves. 

She had gone back to the cottage every time she had encountered Adora. 

After the failure of the Salineas Operation, Catra had almost broken the front door when forcefully slamming it shut. She had been so close to Adora, face-to-face for the first time in a month. As much as she denied it, she knew deep down that her agitated heartbeat wasn’t just due to adrenaline. 

She hated herself. She hated how Adora still controlled her. Her emotions, her movements. Now that Adora was gone, she had taken her place. Even then, everything she’d been doing was directly related to Adora. 

She hated herself because she couldn’t bring herself to hate Adora. 

I’m starting to think she had the right idea, she had spitted the words in Shadow Weaver’s face. Words pronounced to spite, but they weren’t a complete lie. 

Catra had walked to the house after the successful mission at Princess Prom. She had finally shown what she was worth. She had taken hostage Princess Sparkles and Arrow Boy. She was so close to getting the weird science Princess to join the Horde, voluntarily. She had damaged a stupid Princess’ Castle. And she had managed to rub it all on Adora’s face. 

So why was she sobbing again? Legs crossed on the sofa, head shaking in her hands. 

She had been so successful, so why did she still feel so achingly empty. 

Adora’s hold felt so familiar. She had gasped at Catra’s closeness with her stupidly wide stupidly grey stupid eyes. 

She knew she had to go back to the Fright Zone, report to Hordark, tease the prisoners. But she couldn’t even bring herself to stand up. She felt her head about to explode, any rational thought had slipped out of her head and was laying flat on the snowy hill of the Kingdom of Snows. 

Only a name, a face, an arm around her waist. Only those images could fly through her mind, filling her lungs with too much air and her heart with too much ache. 

Pain. She was always in pain after seeing Adora.

Pain and emptiness. They were the only sensations she’d endured those days. 

In a desperate thought, she decided emptiness felt better than the choking pain in her chest. 

So she’d given the sword back to Adora. She’d hoped to never see her again. 

But Catra was at the house once more, after being trapped with Adora in the freaky magic castle. Spilling tears on the floor and filling the old cottage with sobbing screams. 

After the Battle of Brightmoon, she had retired to the house for a couple of nights. She had finally set foot in the bedroom, after a year of keeping to the sitting room.   
She had slept, cried, and stared at the ceiling for so long she had memorised every crack and spot above her head. She’d only got up to go to the toilet, and then to leave. 

The emptiness in her chest had traveled up and infected her brain. For months after, she had lived on auto-pilot. Make a plan, give a command, lash out at someone. The days merged together, leaving her daft and dazed. 

She had started noticing, through her unconscious consciousness, that cadets winced when she turned to face them. Some trembled when she spoke, others stayed so still that she thought they’d turned into statues. 

She recognised their reactions. She was used to being on the other end of the stick. 

Fear. They were afraid of her. 

She thought that might make her feel powerful, asserting her dominance and worth over her inferiors. 

But she recognised their reactions. She used to wince when Shadow Weaver would face her, tremble when she spoke. She remembered Adora, always staying so still in front of the sorcerer. A perfectly petrified soldier. 

She despised it. She despised herself. She despised Shadow Weaver. 

She had started talking to herself, back at the house. Asking the empty room how on Etheria had she let herself turn into the person she hated the most. 

Maybe she hadn’t turned into anything at all. Maybe she’d always been this way. 

She’d known that the Horde was evil, ever since she started training she’d felt that it wasn’t right. And yet, she was still there. She had moved herself up, from Trainee to Cadet to Force Captain. She had led battles against people she knew were innocent. 

But Catra knew she wasn’t really fighting them. 

She was fighting She-ra. She was fighting Adora and the princesses who had taken her away from her. 

Adora decided to play the hero. She would be playing the villain. Her only objective, to take the princess down. And she had gotten so close, in the Northern Reach. So close to finally having her back. In the most cunning way imaginable, but she’d still have her. 

And then she didn’t. 

Sighing along the path that the Woods had laid out for her, she had felt like the world was collapsing under her feet. She just wanted to get some rest, in front of the warmth of the fire in her house in the woods. 

Hers, because she seemed to be the only person to ever set foot in the place. It belonged to no one, so it belonged to her. 

She smiled at the thought. Her house. Her safe place. 

Her smile dropped, when walking up to the front of the property, she saw the fire already crackling in the sitting room, illuminating the figure in front of it. 

Adora.


	2. adora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's overwhelming feelings find a safe space in an old house in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! 
> 
> I started a Pinterest board for this story. Visualizing spaces and characters always helps me write and enjoy stories even more, so here it is: https://pin.it/3Ac9ng4 (I recommend not peeking through the other chapters sections to avoid spoilers!) 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos and the comments, it really motivated me to continue on with writing!  
> Hope you enjoy chapter 2 :)
> 
> cw// mention of minor character death (entrapta, so not really) ; depiction of anxiety and panic

Adora had found the cottage the day she had met Madame Razz. 

The encounter with the old woman had left her head full of questions. In her wondering confusion, she had lost the way back to Bright Moon. 

Or perhaps the Woods had led her to it. 

She had found herself in front of a wooden patio, surrounded by overgrown bushes and grass. The vines camouflaging the exterior walls and the dusty panels of the front windows told Adora that the house must’ve been unoccupied for a long time. 

She would’ve wandered in if she hadn’t heard a cracking branch in the near distance. The sound had made her jump. She had learned that the Horde uniform she still had on wasn’t exactly popular with the people of Etheria. So she ran off. 

She had visited the cottage again after the events of the mission in Dryl. 

She-ra’s infected state had left her feeling weak and nervous. Bow and Glimmer’s enthusiasm couldn’t help the uncertainty hovering her mind. 

She shook out a sob, sitting on the couch of the house in the woods. 

She-ra was supposed to give her control. Adora was supposed to decide how to use the powers the sword had gifted her. So how could it leave her feeling so helpless?

It had been happening often, whenever she’d felt doubt overflowing her mind, to think about Catra. 

Adora wondered where she was, what she was doing, how she was feeling. 

She had felt angry, seeing Catra run back to the Horde. The look of disappointment in her eyes haunted Adora’s dreams. She would wake up to a sadness she had never experienced before. 

Melancholy. 

She missed Catra. She had been missing her since she had laid hands on the sword. She’d grown excited to start a new life together, away from the Horde, away from the pain that the Fright Zone had brought them. 

She had assumed Catra would join her, follow her back to Bright Moon. No questions asked, the way it had always been. 

The dark walls of the sitting room found her crying again after Entrapta’s death. 

Adora felt responsible. She had been distracted, unattentive. Entrapta had died because of her negligence. 

Adora hated herself for it. She-ra was meant to protect, to save, to bring peace. All Adora had achieved was to destroy. She’d always felt detached from the Warrior, and the past few days had put any question of unity to rest. 

She-ra the protector. 

Adora the destroyer. 

That’s what she had been raised to be, it was stupid to think she could change it. 

Queen Angella had tried to reassure her, the princess had tried to explain how she wasn’t at fault. She wouldn’t listen. 

She hated it. She hated the Horde. She hated herself. 

Most of all she hated how she didn’t hate Catra. 

She hated Hordak, Shadow Weaver. But not Catra, never Catra. 

Deep down, she understood her. Adora would’ve done the same if she had stayed in the Horde. Catra had been smart, and Adora had to repress the sense of pride she felt for the other girl. 

All she wanted was for Catra to be with her, on her side.

The coldness of the Kingdom of Snows couldn’t stop her burning cheeks, growing red at Catra’s touch. The smirks, the stares, the contact between them confused Adora more than anything.

She just wanted to understand. She needed to understand. To know the reasons, to have an explanation. 

She was aching for answers, a Catra-shaped hole in her mind that the rational side of her brain refused to fill. While the anxious part of her tried to make sense of it, one scenario worse than the prior, Adora had rejected all of them. 

What she couldn't reject was Catra’s voice, ringing in her ear the words she had been dreading. Catra didn’t want her, she didn’t want to see her, she would never join her. In the hologram corridors of the Crystal Castle, Adora’s hopes had fallen along her body. Catra had cut the rope. The message was clear.

They were done. 

So, once again, she had found herself in the house in the woods. The four walls around her unable to judge her for being vulnerable, she had sobbed her feelings out. 

Adora knew Catra was stubborn, but she’d always thought she was a good person.

And yet, she still wanted her. She felt embarrassed, how unwilling she was to let Catra go. How her skin still ached where Catra had touched her, how loud her laugh still rumbled in her mind, how gold and blue flashes invaded her dreams. 

How she’d fought She-ra to not heal the scars on her back, where Catra’s claws had cut deep. 

The days had turned into a daze after the Battle of Brightmoon, trying to heal the woods and fighting bots for weeks had begun to exhaust the Princesses. They’d end their days over tired arguments and grumpy remarks. 

In the midst of the night, Adora would find her way through the Whispering Woods. The old cottage provided quiet and safety, warming her limbs from the icy temperature of the cursed forest. A place where she could be alone with her thoughts and tears. 

She never used to cry in the Horde. She never had any reasons to. At least, that’s what she had thought. 

Showing those kinds of emotions was a weakness she could not afford. Even pain and punishments only meant she had to be stronger. She was meant to be a leader. 

A leader couldn’t cry. A leader couldn't lower her guard, not in front of her squadron nor in front of the enemy. 

And She-ra was a leader. Adora didn’t feel like one. 

Complaining felt pointless. She wouldn’t step down even if she had the possibility, she knew this very well. 

In a sick way, Adora loved the battlefield. The adrenaline rush of victory, the magic in her veins when the Warrior struck her moves. Adora was a fighter. 

But the overthinking, the overwhelming anxiety, the waves of panic that wouldn’t let her sleep. She couldn’t get rid of those things. She just wished it was easier. She just wished someone else understood. 

_ Catra would _ , a voice in the back of her head always stated. Adora had started doubting that as well. 

_ She doesn’t want you _ , a menacing whisper that eerily sounded like her younger self. 

They had promised, so long ago, to take care of each other. And Adora had tried. 

She’d tried to explain. She’d tried to convince her. She’d tried to keep trusting her. 

But Catra had been showing anger so contagious it had influenced Adora as well. Betrayal, regret, revenge. Devastating emotions that would crush her spirit day after day. 

Glimmer and Bow were her best friends now, and even their love couldn’t parallel what Catra still meant for her. Or, used to mean for her. 

Hearing that Entrapta was alive, and thriving in the Horde intensified the hopelessness Adora felt in her chest. The great Warrior of Etheria couldn’t even bring herself to focus on a war plan anymore. 

The Princesses had tried to help, tried to cheer up the room. But Adora’s frustration was growing by the minute. They would come up with an idea, Adora would criticise it, pointing out the flaws and the consequences. 

She could feel the preoccupied gazes of the Alliance, fixated on her slump posture of helplessness. She wanted to scream and cry. 

So she did. Alone at the house, where no one could hear. Where no one would try to help. 

She would exhaust herself, stare into the fire for a couple of hours, and drag herself back to the palace. At the incessant questions of her two friends, she would simply respond with a lie. 

Light Hope. Razz. Swift Wind. Any lie would do. 

She had decided that the house in the woods was her safe space. Her own and no one else’s. Glimmer and Bow always meant well, but they would never leave her alone had she told them the truth. 

The isolation of the old walls brought her comfort. She knew no one would find her. 

So she could only gasp, when standing in front of the fireplace, after they had returned from the Northern Reach, she heard the creaking door opening. 

And a raspy voice calling, 

“Hey, Adora”.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit, writing Adora's pov doesn't come as easy as with Catra, but hopefully, it's not too bad. 
> 
> Next chapter will finally feature some dialogue, I promise :) 
> 
> -M.


	3. the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra wasn't expecting Adora to be at the house, and she wasn't expecting the emotions the girl would bring out of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> After writing where Catra and Adora stand separately, I was very excited to have them finally interact. So much that I wrote more than 3k words for this chapter ;-; . Sorry for the length, but I hope it's worth it! 
> 
> I also wanted to mention how grateful I am for all the kudos and comments the story has received so far! I love reading feedback so lmk what you think of this chapter! :)
> 
> As usual, here's the link to the pinterest board: https://pin.it/3Ac9ng4 (I recommend not peeking through the other chapters sections to avoid spoilers!)

“Catra”

Adora turned to face her, confusion spreading on her face. Catra noticed the quick movement of her hand, looking to grasp a sword that wasn’t there. She was unarmed. 

“What are you doing here?” demanded Adora. She sounded unconvincing, tired. Her shoulders were slumped and, while her head usually stood high, it now looked too heavy for her neck to carry. Her eyes, though, were fixated on Catra. 

And she was crying. 

“Me? What are  _ you _ doing here?” Catra questioned. Her tone matched Adora’s, the exhaustion in her voice clashing with the connotation of her words. 

Catra wanted to feel angry, motivated to capture Adora as she had been just hours ago. But she couldn’t find a trace of it in her body. She’d never seen Adora look so harmless, so unprotected. Trapping her wouldn’t even be a challenge, and still, Catra was frozen in place, feet firm on the wooden tile she had stepped on a minute before. 

They stared at each other for what felt like hours, both unwilling to answer each other’s questions. Silence filled the sitting room, until Catra’s words broke the quiet.

“You’re crying”, it had sounded more of a question in her head. Adora’s scoff was the only answer she received. The blond girl simply turned around, facing the fire again and sitting on the couch. 

Was Adora simply going to ignore her? After Catra had taken her hostage on that same day? 

“What are you doing?”, Catra hoped she didn’t sound as offended as she felt. 

“Will you try to capture me again?” Adora asked. 

Catra thought about it. She was tired and aching and just wanted a rest. That’s what she had come to the house for. Well, that and crying herself through the night. 

“No” she whispered back. “No, I won’t”. 

“Good” Adora sighed. Her head fell in her hands and Catra heard shaking sobs leaving Adora’s mouth. 

She looked around the room. It looked different, now that another person crowded the space. It looked smaller. It looked  _ cozier _ . 

Catra had grown so attached to the house, and the sitting room in particular. That’s where she’d spent the majority of her visits, only rarely wandering to the bedroom. The spot in front of the fire was her favourite. And most comforting. 

It looked weird now that Adora was sitting there, resting on the green couch as if she owned it. With something in her chest, tugging at her lungs, Catra had to admit that Adora did not look out of place. 

“How did you find this place?” Adora asked, after sitting in silence for a minute. 

“I just came across it” Catra replied, “How did  _ you _ find it?” 

“I just came across it” Adora mimicked her answer. “I found it after I-” she paused, uncomfortably shifting in her seat, “After I joined the Rebellion. I’ve been coming here for almost two years.”

“Why?” Catra wanted to sound demanding, intimidating. But her voice gave away a genuine curiosity. 

Adora shrugged, “To think, breathe. Why are you here?”

She had come to the house to rest, to warm up, to shut the world out. Finally able to move her legs, she moved toward the hearth and sat down, just on the side enough to not expose her back to Adora. 

“To think, breathe.” She mimicked her answer, the way Adora had done with her. 

She stared into the fire for a while, feeling the warmth spreading through her body. 

Adora’s voice broke the silence. “You look sad,” she whispered. 

“You’re one to talk. Have you seen yourself?” the words bitterly came out of Catra’s mouth.

An almost imperceptible “Yeah” reached her ears, followed by a soft chuckle. “I look pretty miserable”. Adora dried her tear-stained cheeks and looked up at Catra. 

The war had taken a toll on her. The skin around her eyes was darker, small green veins bringing out the blue. She did look stronger, even taller. But sitting on the couch with her chin in her hands and big watery eyes, Adora still looked like the kid Catra had grown up around. 

She turned back to face the fire, realising she had been staring. A moment too long and it would’ve gotten into Adora’s big head, feeding her ego for dinner. 

It felt ironic, how Catra had been so scared of Adora just that morning. She had infected She-ra and almost got killed. And now she was sharing the warmth of the fire with her.

The comfort of familiarity made Catra feel uneasy. She was meant to hate this girl, she was meant to capture her and make her life a living hell. She wasn’t even sure she wanted any of that now, hearing her sniffing and sighing turn into calm breathing. 

_ Ugh, she still breathes so loud.  _ She had always poked fun at her for it. Hypocritically, she knew, as listening to Adora’s breathing in the silence of the bunkroom had been the only way to get her to sleep. 

“We almost had you today”, Catra started, trying to push the memories away, “you were really out of it”. 

“I hate when She-ra gets sick like that,” Adora sighed. “I don’t get how she can become so destructive. I just wish I could control it, or manage it in any way. She’s supposed to make me feel so powerful” her eyes widened for a moment, “and I- I mean she usually does. But when she gets infected, she makes me feel so.. well, powerless.” She finished. 

Catra listened, confused as to why Adora was telling her all of this. She was letting her guards down in front of the person who was supposed to be her enemy. She was also confused about the growing feeling in her chest, making her heart beat faster and her eyes more tired. 

“Why do you talk like that?” she asked. Adora gave her a puzzling look, so she continued “You talk like She-ra is another person. Why? Isn’t it just you in a tiara?”

Adora snorted, a trace of a smile lighting up her face that died down quickly as she answered. “I don’t think she is me. At least, it doesn’t feel like it.” 

Her tone of voice suggested that was all the explanation Catra would receive. She faced back the fire. 

“Hordak is going to kill me if I make another false step” the words came out of her mouth before she realised. She blamed it on the house, she was used to being vulnerable in that place and her thoughts would often be spoken out loud. 

“Is that why you’re here?” Adora asked. 

“It’s just.. quiet.”

“Yeah, I know” replied Adora. “The palace is never quiet. There’s always something going on and-” 

Catra interrupted, “Sparkles won’t shut up?” 

Adora let out an unwanted chuckle, “I know she means well, but sometimes it’s nice to be alone”. 

Catra took that as her cue. She looked at the fire one last time before standing up and walking to the door. She hadn’t even realised she’d left it open. 

“Catra, wait!” Adora was on her feet. 

The uneasiness in Catra’s chest reached her throat. Was Adora going to attack? Was it a trap? Had she been stupid to sit there long enough for Adora to plan a way to get back at her for infecting her? Was sh-

Her racing thoughts came to halt with the sound of the door forcefully slamming shut, making her jump. 

“Catra”, Adora’s voice was suddenly behind her. Catra’s heart stopped as Adora closed the distance, placing a gentle hand on her arm, “It’s just the wind”. 

A loud thunder rang through her ears. Wide eyes and stiff legs made a show out of her fear. 

“Still scared of storms?” Adora spoke, “It’s okay.”

Catra shook her arm, Adora’s hand retiring to her side. “I’m not scared!” she shouted, as another thunder blasted through the sky. The gasp she let out betrayed her words. 

Adora was standing in front of her, offering a gentle expression that Catra thought looked too close to pity for her liking. She wanted to wipe that look off her face, bite back and stand up for herself. 

But she couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling of security that Adora’s look was giving her. She’d been using it since they were kids, whenever Catra needed reassurance and comfort. 

The uneasiness Adora made her feel wasn’t fear, or hate, or sadness. 

It was a sensation entirely different. The same one she’d felt holding her at that stupid Princess dance, and seeing the hologram of their younger selves playing together. 

It was a tug at her chest she didn’t have words to describe. She couldn’t get rid of it. It raised her heartbeat and made her lose her appetite. It exhausted her, but never let her sleep. 

Thunder broke again. 

“Wait here for a minute, okay?” Adora spoke again, before stepping into the kitchen. 

Not knowing what to do with herself, Catra went to sit down on the armchair on the right side of the room. The red one. She had decided a while ago that it was the most comfortable of two. 

The fire was still crackling loudly. Listening to its inconsistent pops, Catra felt herself dazing off. 

Adora came back with a glass mug in each hand, offering one to Catra. 

“Are you trying to poison me?” spat out Catra, trying to build her defence up again. 

“It’s just tea, Catra.” Adora bit back, a subtly hurt tone of voice. 

That managed to shut Catra up. Silence filled the room once again, both girls staring into the fire and waiting for their drinks to cool down. 

They stayed like that for a long time, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof of the house. Catra wasn’t sure of what to say, she wasn’t even entirely sure of what she was feeling. 

Adora decided to break the silence. “Do you remember the big storm that caused a blackout?”. Of course Catra remembered, it had been the scariest day of her 8 years of life. 

“Yeah. Everyone started freaking out and we all got told off”, she reminisced. “At least we had a day off from training”, the memory produced a small smile on her face. 

“What about that snowstorm when we were fifteen?” Adora continued. 

Catra caught herself chuckling at the thought. “I’m pretty sure Hordak messed up something with those air condition experiments”. 

Adora laughed back, “The snow looked yellow for all the pollution. Is it still really bad?”

“As ever”, Catra offered. “It’s nice to not breathe chemicals, you know, when I’m here”. 

Adora didn’t press that conversation further and, instead, kept on bringing up various memories of their childhood. 

And so they went on, for what seemed like hours, reminiscing the past. Laughing with each other as if they were still living in those moments, teasing the other for embarrassing stories and bickering about who did what, where, and when. 

Halfway through, Catra noticed the uneasiness in her chest felt less like a chokehold and more like a soft grip at her heart. Adora had been silent for a while, gripping the empty mug as if her life depended on it. She looked uncertain, and Catra didn’t have to wait long to know why. 

“Remember when Lonnie spread that rumor that we were a couple so we started telling people that Kyle and Rogelio were together?”, she finally took her eyes off the fire, turning to face her. 

Catra felt her body growing warm, the way it did when they’d first heard of the rumor Adora had mentioned. She remembered the embarrassment, the fear of it reaching Shadow Weaver, the incomprehensible pain in her chest when Adora had firmly denied it. 

“We weren’t too far off, you know,” Catra said, trying to ignore the images passing through her mind, “about Kyle and Rogelio.” 

Adora’s mouth opened in surprise, dramatically raising her eyebrows. “Really?”

“I caught Rogelio drawing hearts on a picture of Kyle once”, Adora covered her mouth to laugh. Catra continued, “They try to keep it a big secret but it’s so obvious.”

“Lonnie wasn’t too far off either” Adora spoke. Catra pulled a puzzling expression, her leg started shaking as her heart was beating out of her chest. 

“I mean, we were always by each other’s side. We used to live in our own bubble, our own little world. Never letting anyone in. We gave her enough reasons to make her think we were, you know…” she paused, if the word should be spoken out loud, “together.”

Adora was staring at her with piercing eyes, examining her every move for some sort of reaction to her words, though, Catra wasn’t sure what she was expecting. 

She faced away from Adora, setting her gaze to the floor. She thought of the way they used to sneak into the quietest spots of the Fright Zone, the way they would always team up with each other, the way she’d jump off her bunk to fall asleep at the foot of Adora’s bed. 

“I miss it”. She missed how simpler things were, how timeless their life seemed. 

“Do you?” Adora asked, hope in her voice. 

Catra shrugged, unwilling to display her deeper emotions. “Training for the war was easier than actually being in it”.

Adora murmured in agreement, but looked dissatisfied with the answer she’d received. 

“Do you?” Catra wondered, “Do you miss it?”. 

Adora gave it a long thought, deep sighs accompanying her pondering. “I don’t miss the Horde” she finally settled on. 

Catra cursed herself for feeling hurt. What was she expecting? She already knew how Adora felt. But deep down, she still wished for Adora to- 

“But I do miss  _ you _ , Catra.”  _ Oh _ . “I just wish we were still like that.”  **_Oh._ **

The grasp at her heart turned back into relentless choking, resentment filling her insides. 

“Whose fault is it that we’re not” the words tasted bitter on her tongue, spat loudly at Adora’s direction. 

The other girl scoffed, slumping her body on the couch. “Keep telling yourself that” she mumbled under her breath. 

“You left me!” Catra was on her feet, her claws piercing the inside of her fists. 

“I left the Horde” Adora stood as well, matching Catra’s shouting. 

“Without me!” Adora seemed to lose her balance at her words. Her mouth fell open slightly, as she took a step back. 

“I thought I was coming back” she spoke quietly. Catra scoffed. 

Silence fell between them once again, and Catra could feel a lacerating tension reaching its peak. 

“Catra,” Adora stepped forward, “You could still leave. You can still come with me.” Her voice was attentive, looking for the right words. 

Catra only managed to scoff again, words stuck in her throat.  _ I’m never going to come with you. I’m not joining the rebellion. And I’m not leaving the Horde.  _

Catra didn’t know what to think anymore. She knew well that she’d been doubting the Horde all of her life. And lately, she had been feeling pretty detached from it. She had been able to throw Shadow Weaver in a cell and even that hadn’t made her feel as mighty as it should have. She had been feeling so numb and empty for so long. She felt lost. 

With so much doubt flowing in her head, she couldn’t speak the words she wanted to let out. Not sincerely. 

“I really wished things were different,” Adora spoke, taking another step towards Catra. 

“Yeah, well, they’re not.” Catra stood in her place, eyes starting to water. 

“No,” Adora started, “I meant between us. Back in the Horde.” Uncertainty shaped her face into a frown. “I still wish they were”. 

Catra let out a silent gasp. Her lungs grasped for something that wasn’t air. She unconsciously took a step forward, “What are you talking about?”

She watched a tear roll on Adora’s cheek, her eyes softened as she tilted her head to the side. “Catra…” she didn’t finish. The way she’d spoken her name was enough. 

Catra couldn’t deny it any further. She had tried to repress her feelings, to ignore the signs, to pretend Adora’s touch never meant more than friendship to her. She had been so good at denying it, but the thoughts never went away. 

Her name in Adora’s mouth was enough for Catra to understand. 

“Why are you telling me this now?” a step forward. Adora’s hand on her arm. 

The girl choked back a sob, “I’ve got nothing left to lose.” Catra frowned. Adora had everything left to lose. The war, the princesses, the magic. And she could think of a hundred others. 

“I’ve already lost  _ you,” _ Adora shook her slightly, tears streaming down her face now, “I’m tired of trying, Catra. And I won’t try anymore, not after tonight.” 

That’s all that Catra had wanted, for Adora to stop bothering her, to be out of her life, but now the thought of Adora giving up on her made her bottom lip tremble and her tears flow out. 

She continued, “I have nothing holding me back from letting it out now, not when it’s consuming me like this.” Catra gasped, shaky breaths drying her throat. 

And then another step moved them closer, Catra wasn’t sure who’d taken it. 

Adora’s hand moved to hold Catra’s cheek, thumb brushing softly. Catra leaned into the touch, the coldness of Adora’s hand felt soothing against the warmth of her face. 

And then the other hand reached the other cheek, her face gently held up. 

Adora spoke so quietly that her words would’ve been inaudible if they weren’t so close to each other, “Stop me”. Catra’s eyes flickered between Adora’s eyes and her lips. 

“I won’t.” 

And then they were kissing. 

Catra’s hand found home around Adora’s waist, as their lips moved together. 

It seemed to last forever, and yet Catra dreaded even thinking of pulling apart. Her uneasiness was gone, nothing was tugging at heart anymore. The string of emotions that was constricting it had been cut by Adora’s lips on hers. She felt small in Adora’s hands, having to stand on her toes to comfortably reach her face, but she didn’t care. Adora made her weak and for the first time, she was fine with it. She wanted it. 

Their foreheads touched as the kiss came to an end. Breathing the same, both of the girls were wearing a smile. 

“Can you meet me back here in a couple of days?” Adora asked, as they were heading out. “Please”, she added. Catra found it funny how she would’ve loved to hear Adora beg her for something all of her life, and yet now she was ready to oblige to any of her demands. 

After they’d set a day and time, Adora left a brief kiss on Catra’s lips. 

They parted ways. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never said this was a slow burn ;) 
> 
> -M 
> 
> p.s come chat with me about shera and thitw on tumblr @mtheunanxious :D
> 
> p.p.s big thank u to my friend milo who proofread this for me !!


	4. scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chaos in Brightmoon was always overwhelming.
> 
> The only thing that had kept her sane in the past few days was the house. And Catra. And the kiss. And- 
> 
> A scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!! 
> 
> This chapter took me a bit more to finish as I've been busy with uni stuff, but thitw is finally back!!  
> This one is a wild ride, kids. 
> 
> As usual, here's the link to the pinterest board: https://pin.it/3Ac9ng4 (I recommend not peeking through the other chapters sections to avoid spoilers!)
> 
> cw// mention of abuse|child abuse ; anger and yelling ; depiction of scars ; swearing

A bag full to the brim would be a difficult task to carry on a hike in the woods for most people, but Adora had gone out of her way to bring two with her. She’d been walking the path to the house in a rush, aware of how late she had left the palace. 

She was meeting Catra again after the girl had walked right into the place Adora felt most comfortable in. Having had the time to think about it, Catra being at the house made sense. She’d never seen anyone in the place before, nor around the property. Let alone her supposed enemy. 

And yet, the logs of wood she’d left in the fireplace always looked different on the next visit. Perhaps, the musky scent of the bed she had cried on so many times had really been left by someone. By Catra. Adora blushed, remembering how she’d - hysterically - searched every room of the house, in the chance Catra had been hiding. But the scent was gone after a couple of hours, replaced by the vanilla-fragranced soap Perfuma had put in the monthly gift basket that each member of The Rebellion received. 

In all honesty, Adora wasn’t excited only to see Catra. 

The chaos in Brightmoon was always overwhelming, but Shadow Weaver’s arrival at the palace had really leveled it up. Glimmer and the Queen had been fighting since she had arrived, and Adora felt the walls of her room enclosing on themselves, trapping her in a sparkly prison cube that smelt like lavender. 

She had spent months on end blaming Shadow Weaver for the way she was raised, for all the issues she’d left her with. She had to learn and understand what abuse was, and how she’d been subjected to it. She resented the sorcerer, shaping the concept of evil in her mind on her image. 

And now, she was in Brightmoon. She said she had defected. Turning her masked face to Adora, she had spat the words out. She had betrayed The Evil Horde and left on her own accord. She had been planning to do so, for long. Adora’s body felt like it was tearing apart. 

Shadow Weaver made her restless, she made her wince and freeze in fear anytime she’d talk. She couldn’t shake off all the memories of pain and panic. And still, Adora felt the urge to talk to her, to speak over her as she sat captive on the floor. 

After all the damage and hurt, she still wanted to prove her worth and show her how accomplished she’d been without her. 

The only thing that had kept her sane in the past few days was the house. And Catra. And the kiss. And- 

A scream. Coming from inside the house she had just arrived at. 

Adora ran in, dropping the bags on the entrance floor. 

Another scream, and then Catra’s voice shouted “HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?!” from the other side of the upstairs bedroom door. 

Adora swung the door open, grabbing Catra’s arms and inspecting every inch of her body in milliseconds. Checking over the other soldiers’ status in battle was something the Horde had trained her for. 

“Catra? What’s going on? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Adora panted, her eyes full of worry and her voice toned with anxiety. 

Making eye-contact with her, Catra looked the complete opposite. Her eyes were wide with surprise, not concern. The words she spoke came out calm, almost whispered. 

“You came.” 

“Of course I came!” Adora felt confused by Catra’s surprise, but she instinctively offered a reassuring smile. 

It had not occurred to Adora that Catra might not have been experiencing similar emotions to hers, until now. Why was she acting so surprised? Had she even gone to the house to see Adora, or just to let her frustration out as per her usual visits?

Adora’s train of overthinking and over questioning was cut short by an _ugh_ , a _sigh, an UGH_ again, louder this time. 

“Catra? What’s wrong?” She had tried to use her softest voice, but she wasn’t sure it came out right. 

Catra stayed silent, ignoring the question. She had tried to free her arms from Adora’s hold, only succeeding in bringing her closer to herself. 

It had taken almost stepping on Catra’s feet for Adora to realise she had basically cornered her. “Catra?” 

“I lost Shadow Weaver” Catra whispered, head falling down and eyes on the floor. 

“What?” Adora asked, she’d barely make out what she had murmured. 

“I LOST SHADOW WEAVER, OKAY?” Catra shouted, “And now Hordak’s gonna have my head if I don’t bring her back” 

Adora’s eyes widened. She was still confused, but she now knew she could help. 

“Catra, Shadow Weaver is in Brightmoon” she offered. 

“WHAT?” Catra’s expression made Adora regret her decision. 

She proceeded with caution, “She said you knew. She said she defected”. 

“WELL, SHE WAS LYING, OBVIOUSLY!” Catra pushed Adora away with unexpected force. “She escaped! Of course, of course, she’s in Brightmoon. Where else would she be?” 

Adora tried calling her name, but the word was stuck in her throat. For the first time in her life, Adora felt truly scared of Catra. She’d seen her mad, angry. She’d tried to kill her several times and yet, nothing compared to this. Under her angered expression, there was a hint of hurt. A kind that, Adora thought, would make you lose your mind. 

“Did you know about this?” Catra accused, “Was this all a set up so she could come running back to you?” 

“Wha-? No!” Adora was taken aback. How could she even think that she would help Shadow Weaver? Adora felt her own growing stream of anger burning her lungs.

“After everything I’ve done, after everything I’ve accomplished!” Catra pointed a finger to Adora, forcefully poking her chest, “You’ll always be her favourite, won’t you?”

“What? Do you think I like having her there?” Adora had finally raised her own voice. 

“Bet you love it” Catra scoffed, crossing her arms. 

“Seriously? Seriously, Catra? H-How can you even still think something like that?” 

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re her precious little golden girl, after all. You always will be.” Bitterness infested Catra’s words. She had been ready to open her mouth again, trying to spout more nonsense into Adora’s face. 

“I cannot believe you’d think I have anything to do with this! Why would I help her, Catra? After everything she’s done to us?” Adora could count the times she’d spoken so sternly on one hand, “After everything she’s done to you?”

“Why do you care what she’s done to me?” Catra shouted back, “You never did before, you never gave a shit about what she was doing to me!” 

“I’ve always tried to protect you, Catra!” The same kind of hurt was reaching Adora’s voice as well. 

“Oh please! You never protected me, Adora. You only ever did it to feed your own ego, and show off what a brave little soldier you are! You never did anything that would get you on Shadow Weaver’s bad side.” 

“No” Adora shook her head, “No, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to repeat the same things over and over again, without even listening to me!” 

Catra went to speak, but Adora’s anger had reached her mouth now.

“STOP! Shut up and listen, Catra. What did you think would’ve happened, uh? What did you think would’ve happened if I got on her bad side? She would’ve had us both killed!” 

Catra’s scoff made Adora’s blood boil. “She would never have done anything to you!” 

Adora let Catra’s comment sink in. Was she simply being annoying, or did Catra really not know? 

“Is that what she told you?” She did not mean to sound so hurt. 

“It’s what I know” Adora hoped Catra didn’t mean to either. 

Before she could realise what she was doing, Adora took her jacket off and dropped it somewhere on the floor. Catra’s confusion turned into a _blush?_ , when Adora slid up her shirt. 

“Then tell me what these are, Catra. Please, enlighten me!” 

The scars marked the sides of Adora’s abdomen. They looked pink now, not having been opened for years now. But they were still deep, and they’d still make her hunch over in flashes of pain from time to time. Adora had always assumed Catra was aware of them. But then again, Adora had done an excellent job at covering them up. Never wearing crop tops and washing before anyone could get in the shower room. 

Catra’s face answered Adora’s question. She had gasped softly, open mouth and raised eyebrows. She was staring at the scars like they'd get off Adora’s body and kill her in an instant. She only seemed to regain conscious control of herself when Adora spoke.  
“She-ra’s magic can heal any wound on my body and even she can’t heal these,” Adora explained. 

Catra’s wide eyes turned back into frowning slits, as she turned her gaze to a spot on the side, safe from Adora’s scars. 

Adora pulled her shirt down, as Catra spoke, “What do you want from me, pity? Not happening, Princess.” Her tone of voice had shifted, a hint of what Adora thought might be regret. 

“I just want you to listen,” Adora responded, a fit of anger still simmering inside her. 

“To what? You’re just trying to recruit me for your stupid Princess club. I’m not leaving, Adora.” Catra pressed her back against the wall, still avoiding Adora’s eyes. 

Adora wished she had the right words, a perfectly planned speech that could stun Catra and convince her she was being unreasonable. Then again, when had Catra ever been reasonable in her life. Adora used to like that about her, how she wouldn’t take no for an answer and always needed to have the last word. Adora used to look up to her, Catra was the brave one in her eyes. The one who’d always kept going, despite having a miserable day. The only Cadet of their age who could actually compare to Adora, and even surpass her when she wanted. Catra was so brave and strong and special in Adora’s eyes, and she just couldn’t get how things could go so wrong with her. Adora knew she wasn’t happy, although she guessed happiness was never really expected in the Horde.

Adora was sure Catra knew she wasn't happy. When she had left the Horde, it took her weeks to realise how horrible her life had been. Long talks with Queen Angella had brought up the suffering, the punishments, the mistreatment that every Horde Soldier was subjected to. 

But Adora was sure Catra knew. She had said, all those months ago in Thaymor, how obvious it had been to her that the Horde was evil. How naive Adora had been to not notice. 

Perhaps she was right. Adora had been naive enough to not realise what she was fighting for. She liked to believe that most of the Cadets had fallen for the same lies. 

So why was Catra still there? Catra wasn’t evil. She acted menacing, she lashed out, out of frustration, fear, and sadness. But an evil person doesn’t hide in a house in the woods to pour her eyes out. An evil person doesn’t laugh at Adora’s stupid jokes, an evil person doesn’t purr to calm Adora down, an evil person doesn’t give back a sword they could use to destroy her enemy, an evil person doesn’t spend the night in front of the fire talking softly about her childhood, an evil person doesn’t kiss Adora and smile and make her heart flutter and make her dream about blue and golden eyes.

Catra couldn’t possibly be evil, Adora had to repeat it in her head, scouting her memory for all the positive Catra had in her. 

Because at that moment, Adora’s emotions were blinding and out of control. She’d thought hopelessness signified the end, finally reaching her limit. But the anger was fast and burned furious inside her. The accusations stung hard, but seeing Catra so lost and so unwilling to help herself set off something in Adora’s heart she didn’t know she had. 

“I just don’t get it, Catra,” was everything she could come up with. 

“What is there to get?” 

“You,” Adora started, “I just don’t get you anymore.” 

“Of course you don’t. You wouldn’t have left me if you did.” Catra answered, and Adora wondered what kept her from punching her in the face there and then. 

“I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE YOU,” Adora shouted, raising her voice enough to shut Catra up, “I left the Horde. I never meant to leave you.” 

There, again, her anger escaped her lips with harsh words. “Stop. Just stop it. I’m so done arguing over this. How many times have I asked you to join me, Catra?” Adora repeated herself when Catra’s only response was the petrified expression on her face, “HOW MANY?” 

She continued, “You can’t keep saying I left you when all I’ve ever done in the past year and a half has been trying to get you back”. 

“Why am I the one who’s supposed to follow you everywhere, uh? Have you ever stopped to think about what I wanted? Why should you get to choose what I do with my life? What if I like being in the Horde, has that ever even crossed your mind?” Catra finally spat out, matching Adora’s raised tone. 

“Sure, you like it so much that you hide in the Woods to take a breath. You’re so in love with it that you regularly need to cry yourself to sleep in the first empty house you could find!” 

Catra flinched at Adora’s choice of words. She took a step back, her body slamming into the wall behind her. “Y-you don’t get it. I won’t leave. It’s about loy-” 

“Oh, spare me the loyalty speech. We both know it’s bullshit!” Catra’s eyes widened at the word, but Adora was certainly not finished. “Fuck, Catra. Who are you even loyal to? Hordak, the one who’s been wanting to kill you for days? What has the Horde ever done to you that makes you love them so much? They’ve abused you your whole life, you’ve got the scars to prove it!” Adora glanced at Catra’s arms, where she could still most of her wounds, fresher than her own. “They would starve you as a kid for not waking up on time, they’d punish you for crying in front of other people!” These were very bad things that Adora had found out were very bad through Angella’s horrified gasps. “If you think you’re any different now because you’re a Force Captain, you’re wrong. You’ll always just be a soldier to them, nothing you do will ever make them treat you like a human being. I just don’t understand how you can’t see it!” Adora had to take a deep breath when she finished. 

Everything she had been learning, thinking, hating, and grieving about the Horde in the months she had left came out of her mouth. Or out of her chest, perhaps, as it started to feel lighter. 

A small sound escaped Catra’s lips, followed by the words ‘you don’t know anything about loyalty’ murmured in a whisper. Catra’s head hung low. 

“Oh, I don't?” Adora let out a chuckle, “why do you think I’m here, then? Why would I waste my time arguing with you, over and over and over again, if I wasn’t loyal to you, Catra?

Who was always there for you growing up, uh? Who healed your wounds? Who stood by your sid-” 

Adora was interrupted by a loud scoff, Catra faced her again, “Here goes the Hero Complex!”

“U-uh, Hero complex, seriously?” Adora felt her cheeks grow red, she wasn’t sure what it even meant. 

“Yes Adora, seriously. You love feeling like the hero, you always have. I didn’t need you to save me then and I don’t need you to save me now!” Catra yelled. 

“I’m not trying to. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, Catra” she paused to think for a moment, “You’re the one who needs to save herself.” 

“You think you’re so fucking good, don’t you?” Catra said, in a tone Adora couldn’t decipher. “With your stupid tiara, sacrificing yourself for the world. Maybe you’re the one who needs to save herself.” 

Adora lashed out, “At least I’m sacrificing myself for something good! What the hell are you sacrificing yourself for?” 

“I’m not sacrificing myself,” Catra responded. 

“WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE, THEN?” Adora shouted, once again. “Why did you even risk coming here tonight, uh?” Catra looked up, staring into Adora’s eyes. 

“Why did you even kiss me?” Adora couldn’t keep up the screaming anymore. The last question came out just louder than a whisper. She was tired, and she needed to calm down. 

“Look, I’m not going to ask you to join me. I’m not even gonna ask you to leave. I’m just asking you to think, for one second, about what’s really keeping you in the Horde. Maybe you _are_ just angry at the world, and at the princesses, and at me. Fine. You can go back to the Fright Zone and we won’t ever see each other again outside of the battlefield. But think about what the Horde has done to you, how they’ve treated you your whole life. Think about what you’re really mad at.” She stared back, as tears threatened to fall from the corner of her eyes.

“I’ll be downstairs”. 

She left the room, closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adora in this chapter be like: could an evil person do this???? *points to catra* 
> 
> angst angst angsty angst 
> 
> pls let me know what you thought of the chapter or how you're enjoying the story so far! 
> 
> i am once again asking you to come talk to me on tumblr, I need more shera friends ;-; @mtheunanxious


	5. the choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation we've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it half four in the morning? yes  
> Do I have a 9 am lecture tomorrow? absolutely
> 
> once you get the writing juice in the brain you cannot stop.  
> sorry for not updating in weeks, so here's an almost 4k chapter to compensate
> 
> cw// scars, mention of abuse, lesbians being sad

Catra sat on the bed, claws threatening to pierce the sheet she was holding in tight fists. The only noises were coming from downstairs, floorboards creaking as Adora incessantly walked around the room and the crackling of the fire. She could hear her own sighs every so often, whenever she’d remember to breathe. 

Adora’s words echoed over and over again in Catra’s mind. They were loud and suffocating, and despite how firmly she shut her eyes and how hard she shook her head, they wouldn’t hush down. They wouldn’t leave her alone.

Catra knew why. 

Catra also knew that she wasn’t ready to admit it. 

Adora’s words wouldn’t get out of her head because they were everything Catra had always felt growing up, everything she had tried to repress and deny.

To put it simply, Adora was right. And Catra hated it. 

Admitting Adora was right would make it real. It would mean that she couldn’t hide behind the wall she’d spent the past twenty years building up. 

She scoured her brain for something - anything - that would prove Adora wrong. Any possible lies, any sentence badly worded, anything she could hold onto and scream about and make everything go back to how it used to be. 

But nothing felt meaningful enough now. Not when the impression of Adora’s scars haunted her every time she’d close her eyes. 

Anger had infested her whole being when the possibility of another betrayal had sparked up in her head. Memories of crushing doubts infected her thoughts, Shadow Weaver and Adora working together once again to ruin her completely. How it all made sense, a last sense of hope - a kiss - a last expectation ready to fall and take her down with it. They’d break her completely before the final hit. 

If it wasn’t for the scars, she would still be lost in those delusions. 

If it wasn't for the scars, she would’ve already left. 

She looked down at her own scars, multiple and overlapping cuts slashed her arms, near the shoulders. She hugged herself, tears starting to dwell. Shadow Weaver had held her only a day before, hands gentle on the marks she herself had caused. A softness so rare, so desperately desired, it had made Catra daydream about what could’ve been, the if’s and maybe’s of a child that never had the chance to grow up. 

She wondered, for the first time in years, if Adora felt the same. If Shadow Weaver touched her scars in the same motherly way, as if to mend them. As if she wasn’t the one inflicting the pain. Catra wondered if Adora’s nightmares looked like hers, red sparks of dark magic, poisonous cackles, and menacing words hidden under a mask. 

Adora never had it any  _ better _ . She was just  _ better _ at hiding it. 

The thought made Catra shiver. Adora used to be Shadow Weaver’s golden girl. She’d been destined to be the most successful Force Captain that would lead them in their winning battles, the Cadet who’d outshined every single Horde soldier there ever was. Of course she had kept all of her hurt a secret. 

It made sense now, why Adora left. It’s not like the thought had never crossed Catra’s mind. She’d grown up hearing horror stories of people escaping the Fright Zone, being eaten alive by monstrous creatures or executed by the evil Princesses. She’d heard all of them, and the thought of leaving had still lingered in her head. 

She hugged herself tighter. Something was stirring up in her chest, not a pain but some sort of discomfort. It was the only part of herself she could feel. Her limbs, her eyes, her head, all felt numb. She fought it, enough to turn her head and look around the room. 

For a moment, she assumed she must’ve fallen asleep. The sky had been bright blue when she had entered the room, but the sun seemed to be setting now. The sound of the wind hit the window, leaves dancing with each other on their trees. A creaking step broke the peaceful rumors she was getting lost in. 

Adora was walking again, Catra recognised the specific noise that the second step of the wooden staircase always made. She caught her breath, but soon realised that Adora had stopped. If she concentrated enough, she could hear her breathing. Adora never had much patience, and it surprised Catra when she heard her walking back to the living room and going silent again. 

She knew Adora was awaiting an answer, a choice. But Catra’s head was full of questions and unresolved feelings. 

“What is that?”, she asked once she’d quietly walked downstairs. The short table in the middle of the living room was topped with all sorts of items, various shapes and colours. 

“It’s food” Adora answered, “It’s kind of the reason why I was late, the kitchens are always hard to sneak into. I thought you might want to try actual food”, she finished with a small smile. 

“I’ve never seen white ration… balls?” Catra questioned, as she sat on the arm of the red chair. 

“Oh, no they’re not ration bars” Adora took one of the balls and extended her hand in offering. “They’re steamed buns! I brought loads more stuff, but these ones are my favourite. Try it.” 

Catra bit down on the bun, and her eyes widened in surprise. It was like nothing she’d even tasted before, not that there was a lot to compare it to. The bun and the filling mixed into a soft texture, if not a bit chewy. She covered her mouth as the flavours sparked on her tongue, “Oh, this is really good”, she said once finished. 

“Right?” Adora’s face was stuck in excitement, raised eyebrows and sparkly eyes. Satisfied with Catra’s reaction, she took a bite out of her own food. 

“What’s inside of it?” Catra asked, trying to fill the slightly awkward silence of gulps and chews. 

“Meat and vegetables, I think?” Adora replied before gasping, “I can’t believe you’ve never had meat before! You’re half cat!” She still had that habit of talking with her mouth full. 

Catra was pretty sure she’d eaten a mouse when she was a toddler, but had no real memories of how it tasted. “Do cats eat meat?” 

“Mhm” Adora muttered between bites, “And fish.”

“I’ve never seen an actual cat before”, Catra frowned. She’d only found out what they even were because the other kids used to make fun of her ‘cat ears’. They’d always been just ears to her. 

“Really?” Adora asked.

“Have you?” Catra questioned back. 

“Not in the Fright Zone, I guess” she responded, “But Plumeria has a big colony. Glimmer’s been trying to convince Angella to adopt one for months”, she finished with a fond expression. 

They sat in silence, eating for a while. Catra had not realised how hungry she’d been, and couldn’t remember the last time she had anything to eat. Adora kept passing her the different types of food that she’d brought. It was a lot, but Catra did not ask why. Adora had always been like that, splitting a stolen ration bar and giving Catra the bigger piece. 

The sky had turned dark, when Adora finally looked back at her. She’d moved from the floor to the couch some time ago, and Catra was grateful for the small distance that separated them. “So?” Adora asked, drawing out the word to not sound too demanding.

A deep sigh, claws scratching the red fabric of the armchair between her legs. “Why didn’t you tell me?”, the most pressing question in the list she’d thought out before forcing herself out of the bedroom, “About the scars?” Catra asked, avoiding Adora’s eyes. 

Adora lowered her head, “I- I just thought you knew. I don't know,” she muttered, “I think I’ve been making too many assumptions about you. I’m sorry”. 

Catra’s heartbeat raised, the clutch on the chair tightened. Her mind was stranded. She wasn’t expecting Adora to apologise. To be completely honest, she thought Adora would yell at her again. 

“Like what?” she asked, tentatively. 

“Well, I assumed you’d come with me. I assumed you wouldn’t fight me,” Adora admitted. Catra wondered how the screaming in the bedroom had turned into this soft-spoken confession. “You were right, you know? Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.” Catra remembered those words, she’d hissed them at Adora in that First Ones’ castle.

She slumped her back onto the chair, barely keeping her balance. The armrest was a safe spot, an easy jump if she needed to. But it definitely wasn’t the most comfortable seat. 

“You said-” Catra started with a sigh, “you said that the Horde doesn’t treat us like humans. That we’re just soldiers to them.” 

Adora’s eyes were attentive, frozen on Catra as she spoke. She used to like that about Adora, the way she’d made her feel listened to, the way she’d actually looked interested in what she had to say. But now, the grey stare filled her with uneasiness.

“I don’t get it,” she continued, “we’re all just soldiers, right? I’m a Force Captain and you are a Commander, or whatever you call yourself,” she said with a shrug. “What’s the big difference?” 

“I get treated with respect,” Adora answered quickly, “I choose to fight for the Rebellion.” 

Catra let out a scoff, “I thought you didn’t choose to be She-ra”. 

“It’s Commander Adora, not Commander She-ra” she responded, an offended frown that would look pretentious on anyone else, but there was a hint of something deeper in her voice. 

“I choose too,” Catra bit back, “I chose to attack Salineas. A-and the Battle of Brightmoon? That was my idea.” 

Adora sighed, and looked back at the fire. “Why do you want to be the villain so badly?” she asked, after a moment of pondering. 

The question took Catra by surprise, and left her open-mouthed in confusion. “What?” she muttered. 

“I know you’re not evil, Catra.” Adora started. A flush of red covered her cheeks, her whole body seemed restless as it shifted on the couch. Her eyes turned to the ceiling, and Catra wished she wasn’t aware of the way Adora’s face looked when she was trying not to cry. 

“You’re the smartest person I know”, she whispered between sniffs, “You’ve always been. I know that you could easily win the war by yourself, if you wanted to. But I don’t think you do.” Catra felt her claws piercing the fabric of the armrest. 

It’s hard to name what we’re feeling exactly, when our hearts beat too loud and our emotions scream at us in a language we don’t speak. And then we hear it, clear as day, in someone else’s words. Between a gasp and frown, the realisation hit us. 

And in that moment, between a gasp and a frown, the realisation hit Catra. 

Something else happens in our soul, when the pain of the truth feels unbearable.  _ Denial. _

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Catra said. An impatient sigh escaped Adora’s lips. 

“Fine!” she let her hands clap on her thighs as she turned towards Catra. “Has Hordak ever given you a choice  _ not _ to attack?”

No, he hadn’t. “That’s stupid, why wouldn’t I attack?” Catra asked, instead. 

“Ugh” Adora scoffed, “well, did you choose to become a Force Captain?”

“That doesn’t matter, I wanted to”, she denied once again. The back of her head was pounding with flashes of pain, as her thoughts clashed together like puzzle pieces that didn’t match.

She needed time to think, to sit back in silence and pretend the world wasn’t real. But Adora was onto her, and she wouldn’t let her off so easily. “You’re hearing yourself, right?” she questioned, “Stop acting like I don’t understand what it’s like over there. I know you don’t have a say in what they want you to do, in who they want you to be.” She had raised her voice again, and her words resonated in Catra’s ears twice as loud. 

“I don’t believe that that badge is who you really are,” Adora continued, “and if it is, then…” she let her head fall, biting the inside of her cheek in consideration, “What are you doing it for? To rule the world? Is that what you truly want, Catra?” 

The sound of her name when Adora pronounced her last question felt like she’d been spat on the face. Catra couldn’t look up, she knew meeting Adora’s eyes would break her. 

“Do you remember why we stole the skiff that day?” Adora asked, after not receiving the answer she was looking for, “You wanted to see what was outside the Fright Zone, to see the world we were missing out on.” The memory of those words tasted bittersweet now. 

“You could still do that,” Adora offered. She had that look on her face, when her eyebrows would crunch down and her eyes would soften. It’s the look that Catra was worried about, the one that would finally break her. 

A sigh that trembled with tears broke free of her chest, and Catra allowed herself to get lost in Adora’s eyes. “How?” she shook her head with a sad smile. 

“Say that I come back with you”, Catra started, “I’ll just leave one side to join the other, of a war that I just don’t care about”, she finished with a shudder. She couldn’t keep pretending anymore, not when Adora’s gaze made her feel like ripping herself open and revealing secrets she didn’t know she was keeping. 

She lowered her head when a tear rolled down her cheek, she was quick to sweep it away. 

The room fell silent. Catra’s world had been crumbling down for months, and she wouldn’t be able to put it back together after tonight. Seeing her life fall apart in front of her eyes made her feel so hopeless. There was nowhere to run anymore, nowhere to hide. She couldn’t go on and she couldn’t go back, she felt stuck in this limbo of wooden tiles and warming fire. She needed something, she needed- 

“Then, don’t fight,” Adora finally spoke, with neutral nonchalance.

An unexpected chuckle broke out, “It’s a war, Adora.” Catra said, arm extended towards the door, “There’s nothing else to do!”.

“Yes, there is,” Adora started, “N-Not everyone is a soldier, Catra”. 

Catra frowned, and awkwardly shifted in her seat, “Uh?”. 

“I didn’t believe it either, at first. The Horde lied about that as well,” she explained. “We don’t have an army. Other than the princesses, the Rebellion doesn’t really have any soldiers. I mean, people try to help, we know that most of Etheria is on our side. But they don’t fight for us. We are the ones fighting for them. They’re just normal people, you know. They lead normal lives, with normal families and normal jobs.” 

“Jobs?” Catra asked. 

“Yeah, like cooks and teachers. Some people are shopkeepers!” Adora let out a breathy laugh, “You know, because they keep shops. I thought it was funny”, she scratched her neck awkwardly, as Catra clearly wasn’t laughing along. 

Instead, she was dazed off. She wondered, for the first time in her life, if she was ever meant to be a soldier. Who would she be, if she hadn’t been raised in the Horde?

The thought made her head pound harder. She was about to turn twenty, and all she had achieved was winning battles she didn’t believe in. 

“The point is, Catra” Adora tried to get her attention back, “you don’t have to be a soldier just because they told you to be”. 

_ You don’t have to be a soldier _ , was it an open door that led to nowhere? Being a soldier was all she ever knew, and yet, she was so tired of it. 

She was tired of crying herself through the nights, she was tired of being ordered around, ordered to hurt, to attack, to kill. She was tired of leading an army of lost children, who all had fear commanded into them. She didn’t want it anymore, she never truly did. 

“Look at me”, Adora gently demanded and Catra gasped at how quickly she abided. “Do you really want to keep fighting?” 

It felt like waking up from a year long trance. Catra’s breaths came out fast and shaky, tears dwelt up again as her eyes scoured the room for something that wasn’t there. She was on her feet in seconds, turning her back to Adora to hide her face. 

Her fingers ran through her hair, the only way she could find comfort by herself. She tried to catch her breath as a million questions crowded every corner of her mind. 

What was she meant to do? What would she have, what could she do if she actually left? What would Adora do if she left? 

_ Adora _ . Adora said she was loyal to her, could she really trust her? 

_ She still left _ . She still left, she still left. Is she going to leave again? 

_ No. No. Adora kissed you _ .  _ Why? Why? Why?  _

“I kissed you because I wanted to”, Catra said in her panic. She was turned to face Adora now, who let out a quiet ‘okay’. “Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to,” Adora answered, simple honesty seeping through her words. 

_ She wanted to kiss you _ . Catra could feel her heartbeat stuck in her throat, but she managed to calm herself down enough. She sat back on her armrest, with her back to the fire this time. She could see Adora’s figure if she let her eyes wander, but she fixed her gaze to the door. 

“Catra?” Adora asked softly. 

“Shut up” Catra was quick to respond. “Shut up. I’m gonna speak now and you’re going to listen. Okay?” 

“Okay”

Catra swallowed her fears, and finally started. “Do you remember that stupid Princess Ball?”

“Princess Prom?” Adora offered. 

“Yeah, whatever. We kicked your ass,” a silent chuckle came from Adora’s direction. “It was my first successful mission. We got Princess Sparkles and Crop Top”. 

“Bow?” Adora asked. 

“Yeah, him.” Catra waved her hand, she did not want to get interrupted again. 

“Everyone kept saying how proud of myself I should’ve been. It was my big chance. I could’ve finally proved my worth to Hordak a-”, the name sent a shiver down her spine before she could pronounce it, “and Shadow Weaver.”

“But after we went back to the Fright Zone, I just felt so empty. I always feel so empty,” she continued, “It’s like I’m numb, all the time. For so long I thought that feeling nothing was better than feeling so… angry, and hurt.” Tears were already staining her cheeks, her voice was just louder than a whisper. “But it’s not. It’s not. It’s killing me.”

“And then I saw you here and - I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something”, her hand found home on her chest, just above her heart. “And you’re right. You’re right about everything,” she scoffed away a sob, “You always are. But not about what you did to me, Adora. Not about leaving.”

“I wanted to leave. I’ve always wanted to leave. Remember, we were fifteen I think, Shadow Weaver found out we were still sleeping in the same bed,” Adora murmured a ‘yeah’, “She got so mad that time. I couldn’t take it anymore. I made a plan, packed a bag. We would run and never look back, you know. I thought we would hide in the woods, I thought we would build a house,” she chuckled at the irony of where they were. “No one would find us again. Then I got too scared, I don’t even remember why.”

“But you” she sobbed, “you were always meant to come with me. We were meant to leave together. You could’ve said the word and I would’ve followed you anywhere. And then you left without me and I just felt so… stupid,” her words were full of contempt. “I would’ve given up everything for you. And then you gave up on  _ me _ , to run away with some princess?”

“I know what you think. I should’ve gone with you when you asked, but it didn’t mean anything anymore. You were the only person I cared about, and I was just a last thought to you.” Catra let her face fall in her hands, trying uselessly to dry her tears. “You say they treat us so awfully, then why did you leave me there?” Her voice rose higher with the question, “Why did you leave me behind, Adora?”   
  


“I-I thought I’d be back”, Adora said hesitantly. 

“No,” Catra flung back. “No, I know you didn’t. I need you to tell me the truth.” 

Adora fell silent for a long time, and Catra didn’t feel brave enough to look back at her. 

“I was being selfish,” she finally confessed. “When I first saw the Sword, it spoke to me. Well, Light Hope spoke to me. She made me feel needed, important.” A deep sigh escaped her lips, “In a way that Shadow Weaver never had, never could. I felt like the powers of the Sword -  _ my _ powers - belonged to me. Back in the Horde, my strengths, my skills, they weren’t mine to use.” Adora shuddered, and Catra realised she wasn’t the only one crying. 

“Just for once, I wanted to belong to myself. I went alone because I wanted to go alone. I was being selfish. But Catra, “ she cried out her name, “I regretted it the moment I touched the Sword again. I wanted you with me, I needed you with me. When we met in Thaymor I thought.. I-I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Adora was sobbing now, sniffing every other word. Catra had never heard her sound so desperate, and every whimper felt like a stab to the chest. “I’m sorry, Catra. I’m so sorry. I swear, I would give anything to go back and take you with me. Anything.” 

She moved to the armrest of the sofa, inches away from Catra. “Anything” she whispered, one last time. Catra finally looked up, meeting teary grey eyes. Adora’s face was puffy and red, and her chin was trembling with unreleased sobs. 

Catra’s elbow hit her thighs, as she held head in her hands. She told herself it was Adora’s despair to convince her, but deep down she’d craved the moment for years. 

She took the headpiece in her hands, catching a glimpse of her own eyes in the shine of the metal. Adora gasped as it clanked on the floor. Then, her hand found the green badge and she took it off her chest. She stared at it for what felt like years, before lazily dropping it as well. 

She heard Adora letting out a breath of relief. “What am I gonna do?” Catra whispered, before an ocean of tears came streaming down again. 

She let herself sob, she let herself go in Adora’s arms. They stayed like that - for a minute or for an hour -, crying in each other’s embrace, neither of them wanting to let go. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> please let me know what you think so we can chat in the comments, or on Tumblr @mtheunanxious !!!
> 
> -M


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